Hillary Kallenberger ~ Yoga, Pain, and Insight: Rewiring Self-Worth and Embracing Change

Hillary Kallenberger is a dedicated yoga teacher based on the west coast of Florida, known for her transformative approach to body movement and mindfulness. With a rich background in high-level dance performance in New York, Hillary transitioned into yoga and bodywork, combining her passion for movement with a keen understanding of the human body. Previously a licensed counselor, Hilary has excelled in betterment coaching, helping clients achieve holistic wellness. Her recent journey through hip replacement surgery has further deepened her personal insights, enhancing her empathetic and therapeutic approach to teaching yoga and assisting others.

Visit Hillary: https://www.currentmanifestationssrq.com/

Key Takeaways:

• Embracing modern medicine alongside natural healing can be an essential part of recovery, even for those committed to holistic practices.
• Experiencing acute pain can lead to unexpected personal growth and a deeper connection with one's body.
• Self-compassion and asking for help are vital components of healing and personal well-being.
• Practicing gratitude and presence can transform one's relationship with their body and promote holistic healing.

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Chapters

• 0:02 Healing and Self-Discovery Through Hip Replacement Surgery
• 8:04 Hilary's Journey From Dance to Yoga and Self-Improvement
• 10:05 Healing Through Pain and Embracing Self-Acceptance
• 19:18 Recovery and Transformation After Hip Replacement Surgery
• 23:21 Embracing Change and Finding Peace in New Beginnings
• 27:26 cts of Kindness During Recovery Highlight True Friendship
• 31:00 Unexpected Challenges and Acceptance in Surgery Recovery
• 33:27 Overcoming Financial and Physical Challenges After Hip Replacement
• 37:37 Healing Through Yoga and Empathy for Chronic Pain
• 42:05 Healing Through Journaling and Embracing Stillness
• 45:12 Choosing Self-Worth and Setting Boundaries Transforms Life
• 48:12 Shifting From Performance-Based Validation to Self-Worth Acceptance
• 50:45 Embracing Change and Letting Life Lead the Way

Transcript

Todd McLaughlin: 0:33

Welcome to Native Yoga Toddcast. So happy you are here. My goal with this channel is to bring inspirational speakers to the mic in the field of yoga, massage, body work and beyond. Follow us at @nativeyoga and check us out at nativeyogacenter.com. All right, let's begin.

Hillary Kallenberger: 1:05

Welcome to Native Yoga Toddcast. My name is Todd McLaughlin. Today I'm bringing back Hillary Kallenberger. Go listen to her episode number 204, 20 episodes ago. This is number 224, so Hilary had a hip replacement surgery. She's a yoga teacher, and the first we planned this, I had met Hillary prior to her surgery, and we both thought, wouldn't it be cool to do a podcast before the hip replacement and then to do a follow up session so that you can hear what it entails, what is it like. And then, obviously, you might not be thinking anything about hip replacement, but there's a good chance there's some time or some place in your life where you might be recovering from an injury, an illness, something challenging in your life. So I think what Hillary and I are attempting to highlight here is the journey, the journey to healing, the journey through healing, the healing journey, that's what we're trying to do. This is our goal. This is my intention to help make our journeys together, productive, healing, kind, compassionate and pathetic for one another. And maybe there's somebody in our life that is going through a healing process, and maybe we could help them a little bit. Wait till you hear how much the help that people gave Hillary lights her up and made her how it's changed her. And we could, we can help others. And there's going to be a time where we're going to need ask for help too. And so thank you so much Hillary for joining me, and thank you listener for supporting the show. Let's go ahead and get started. It is a great pleasure to be here with Hilary kallenberger Again, Hilary, thank you for joining me for another episode. I had a chance to interview you on episode number 204 that was back in January, and you and I had actually formulated a plan at that time because we had a conversation prior to you having hip replacement surgery, and now you are it's May, and what is today's date? May 20. So you have already undergone hip replacement surgery. So I guess the purpose, my goal, and I think we both have the same goal is to talk about the reality of, I am a yogi, but it is okay to ask for help. I am a yogi, and it is okay to maybe need to use the Medical Association for assistance. I am a yogi, or a yogini, who, youknow, wants to do everything natural, but maybe needs to do things unnatural, or is the unnatural approach? Unnatural? Is that the natural approach? Am I looking at the wrong way? All these questions I want to ask you, but before I know, a little bit of a long intro, how are you feeling today? How are you doing? I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling great, good. Yeah. Well, lot has happened since we talked last. Has happened.

Todd McLaughlin: 4:25

Well, I'd like to hear all about it. How was the surgery and how's your recovery been?

Hillary Kallenberger: 4:32

So the surgery went well. Everything went fairly you know, as expected, so to speak. As far as the outcome, I'm doing really well right now. It was definitely a little more challenging in in surprising ways than I had kind of expected. The surgery itself was, you know, kind of in and out. Everything, everything went as planned. I had the unfortunate. Incident of having a failed nerve block. So when I woke up from surgery, that two or three days of kind of false comfort that people get because they're numb from the waist down, I didn't get to experience that, which made things very challenging, and also it was quite a gift, because I had gone into surgery with the intent that I was not going to take any pharmaceutical drugs. So, and that was that kind of a commitment that I had made to myself for a few different reasons. I did have them in case I got into, you know, obviously a dangerous type situation. You don't want your pain to get out of control. But I felt fairly confident in my ability to navigate this with with the tools that I have, with the power of my breath, with being present. And so it was really something important to me that and you know, everyone's different, but for me personally, I didn't want to take any medication.

Todd McLaughlin: 5:58

Understood so,

Hillary Kallenberger: 6:01

so to my surprise, I woke up and was in like a 10 out of 10 pain immediately after surgery. So I didn't get that kind of, you know, leeway you get well, that's well, that's wearing off. I didn't know that at the time. And so initially when I woke up, I thought, oh my gosh, maybe my pain tolerance is not as high as I thought it was. And I started having a lot of kind of self doubt and thinking, I don't know if I can do this if the pain gets much worse. Because, you know, the idea is that the nerve block wears off and you should have your pain meds ready on day two or three, when that, when that kicks in. And I thought, if it gets worse than this, I don't know that I'm going to be able to do it. And by day two or three, when the pain wasn't getting worse, then I kind of had an aha moment, and I was like, I don't think the nerve block worked, which I've got a history of some similar things happening. So it wasn't really a surprise, but that made the first 72 hours very sticky when it came to the pain that I was in, I'm very happy to say that I made it through the entire recovery without taking any medication. Congratulations. And there was a gift that came with that, which was really being present with my pain and being present in my body. And that was sort of one of those, like unexpected gifts that you don't realize is a gift until you kind of get through it. Because I was sitting there going, I don't know if I can do this. And then on day three, it was kind of this, like, I'm doing this. It's happening. I'm doing it, yeah. And the relationship with my body through this process, through this surgery and the recovery has been, I mean, life changing for me, it's rewired a lot of the patterns in my brain. It's rewired the relationship that I have with my body. I had a lot of awareness that came with how brutal I had been to my body for so many years, and this kind of they so they actually let me keep my femur head. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell anyone that, but we just did. So I talked them into it, and I said, Can I please keep the bone that you removed? Because I really wanted to just keep that with me. And when I, you know, got through the first few days, and was able to really look at it and see it. It was like, Oh my gosh. You can literally see the damage, wow. And it's really, it's in really bad shape. And it made me very, well, very aware of how much pain I had been carrying for so long, and just how much I had just been trying to push through it, power through it, and and it really, it really changed how I felt about my body, instead of trying to, kind of like, you know, train my body and push my body into submission, to really start opening up, to allow it to speak to me through, through comfort, to discomfort, and all the things that come with

Todd McLaughlin: 8:56

it. Wow, I can

Hillary Kallenberger: 8:58

hear it in your voice. Yeah. Nice. Thank you. Yeah,

Todd McLaughlin: 9:02

very cool, amazing. Well, this might be a personal question, but was part of your reason for wanting to not utilize the assistance of pain medication is because of a past of maybe overusing some substance.

Hillary Kallenberger: 9:21

There was a combination. Of factors. So one was, yes, I have a history of, you know, addictive behaviors in all kinds of realms, and so I definitely didn't want to go down that path of, you know, getting into something that I couldn't get myself out of. I didn't want to experience the physical side effects that often come with, with taking medication, I didn't like the idea of putting potential toxins in my body, that that my body was going to have to work even harder to clear itself of and detox from, because I was already detoxing from the anesthesia. And you know, some of the things that had already happened, the trauma of of being cut open and. I moved around and all of that. So it to me, it felt like one more, one more block to healing and and then the other thing was that I really wanted to be able to do it. I really wanted to. I kind of knew subconsciously that this was an opportunity to heal the relationship with my body. I just didn't realize how that was going to happen. And so I think that was, that was part of it as well. And I will not lie, there were a couple times when I looked over at that orange prescription bottle and I thought, Should I, you know, because it was, I was very uncomfortable. It was, it was really rough. And and then I just kept going, Nope. You don't want to be anxious, you don't want to be constipated, you don't like, do you want to feel all those things, plus the discomfort? I was like, No, I can do it. I can do it. So nice. So, yeah, so that was, there was a lot of reasons for that, but, but it was something that I had committed to before, and that was the other thing is, I had made a commitment to myself, and part of that relationship with myself was honoring the commitments that I make to me.

Todd McLaughlin: 11:00

Wow, very cool. Congratulations. How has your I don't want to assume that everybody listening to you and I now have listened to Episode 204, but just to give a real quick, brief re analysis for the listener, for you. Listener is Hillary, is a yoga teacher, and she lives on the west coast of Florida, and she's been practicing dance for a really long time at a high level in New York, and then got into yoga and body work. And you're also a licensed counselor. I believe do I have that previous licensed counselor, but still working with people and clientele to improvement, betterment, coaching, working with yoga. So you've had a long history of body movement awareness, and then had this incredible hip pain and decided to go ahead and have the surgery. So that's a real quick synopsis. You probably could have done it better than me, Hillary, but I figure out at least so those listening will have some idea who I'm talking to, but I guess, I guess I should let you tell your story. Can you fill in a few gaps there that I missed? And I know it's like, how many years have you lived? How do you fill in all those years and time and all the gaps? But what are a few key gaps that I missed that you think are important for questions that are coming about, how you've what your relationship to self now looks like, and how you see that evolution

Hillary Kallenberger: 12:30

well, so I'll kind of touch on a few things you said. So I was a dancer up until my early 20s, and then sprinkled a little bit beyond that. So I was very, hard on my body. I was in a very performance oriented arena. Also, you know, my home life was a little performance oriented as well. So it's very hard on myself. I was a perfectionist and and developed, you know, a history of things like addiction, eating disorders. Really had a challenging relationship with my body, and never felt I was good enough. I sought wanting to help others, you know, and so I think I was subconsciously trying to heal myself through my work as a counselor. I then became a fitness instructor, a yoga instructor, personal trainer. Started doing body work and and really started working with others in that capacity, which in turn helped me, you know, kind of navigate things for myself, but I was always kind of up in my head. You know, I knew the things to do, but I never felt it in my physical body. I knew that my thinking was was off, and so I was always trying to convince myself to change my mind, but I was never really feeling that sense of love for myself, of comfort in my body. I was talking to a friend just before, before we got on today, and one of the big shifts that has happened for me is, and I think a lot of people will maybe relate to this, especially if you've, you know, had any kind of body dysmorphia or disordered eating type stuff, is that, you know, I wake up in the morning now and I don't assess my body and how it looks based on my worth for the day, and that is huge. When you've been living your whole life that way. As far as how you look your size, are people going to accept me? Did I eat too much last night? Oh my gosh, I'm fat. All these weird, crazy messages that we imprint in our brain are gone. And the experience that I had by going through this, you know, induced chosen trauma, right? And going through the pain and the literally having to learn how to walk again, which was very humbling, because I did have a lot of pain. I think I might have had more pain than some people I've talked to have experience. And for me, I didn't walk out of there. It took me days to really be able to bear weight on my leg. It took me even more days to walk unassisted, you know, where I could take a full step. And it was very humbling, and it made me realize how much I had taken my body for granted and being able. Able to dance across the stage and being able to, you know, do all these advanced quote moves in yoga and my flexibility and my strength, and all these things that I, you know, I'd always worked for, but I had also taken for granted that that was part of who I was, right? So that was just ingrained in identity, and I had to really shed those layers of like, Well, who am I if I'm never able to move that way again? Like, does that really change who I am and my worth? Or, you know, who am I at a deeper level? And those weeks after surgery really gave me an opportunity to sit with that, to examine that, to be with my pain, to look at my body in a way that, you know, I'm actually feeling what I say to others, which is like, you know, honoring your body is a vessel that that gets you around through this life and all the things that it does do for us and um, and I was back, I got back on my yoga mat on day 13, and my Physical body was not ready for that, but I really I needed that. I needed to remember what my yoga practice was about. And it wasn't about being able to, you know, to do a complicated pose, right? But it was really about being in community and breathing and honoring where I was. And I wanted to set an example for my students, and I wanted to show up, so I showed up every day. As soon as I was able to drive, I showed up on my mat, and I did what I could do, and I walked in there with a cane and and there was a lot of things that I couldn't do, but, but, you know, one day at a time, things got easier. Things got better. You know, I invested in the practice, and I would say that now my practice is is better than it's been in two years, because I've rebuilt the strength in the way that my body needed, instead of trying to push through pain and work around it all the time.

Todd McLaughlin: 16:52

Wow, wow, that's amazing. Hillary, holy cow, so cool. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I love hearing all this, because I, you know, I'm just so curious. And I think what's most impressive to me is it seems, or it sounds to me, like you going through the pain really had a profound effect on you. Like, it's, maybe, maybe you're right, like it actually rewired a few wirings that need to be rewired. That's very

Hillary Kallenberger: 17:29

humbling. You know, it's very humbling to to need that kind of assistance, to not be able to really do much for yourself initially, and to really drop into a sense of gratitude for what what we can do, instead of having the focus be on what is not good enough, right? And so it shifts you from that lack state of like, oh, I, you know, I didn't, I couldn't balance today on my left leg. I'm a terrible person, which hopefully nobody thinks that, but to a place like, Oh my gosh. Like, I would celebrate these little joys. Like, I remember the first time I was able to, like, cross my leg over into an eagle shape, and I looked at my friend who was was instructing the class, and we kind of, like, saw each other, like, I'm doing it. And it was this moment of just like, it's happening, because I just keep trying, you know, I just keep putting forth the effort and showing up. And I think that says a lot about what we know, the power of yoga and showing up for yourself every day, and that that was really, I mean, I've always showed up for yoga, but showing up for myself in a different way, when I didn't look the way that, you know, maybe a yoga teacher should look, or I wasn't doing things in the way that I was accustomed to doing them. And it was, it was just a very humbling experience of, you know, even, you know, I couldn't get down and up off the floor sometimes. I mean, you know, there was just some, some real challenges. And the mobility and flexibility has, it's, it's a process. So talk about being with the process. You know, we want to heal as fast as possible. And we're like, When can I do this again? You know, we're looking for like, what's when am I going to be able to stand on this leg? Or when can I get my leg into a figure four and? And it's like, it's, it's a day to day thing. And some days I'm like, Oh, wow, look, I've got some really nice mobility today. And some days, my hip still gets a little stiff and tight, and that being okay, because it just is where it is right now. So the process really allowed me to practice being more present and develop appreciation for what I can do, instead of worrying so much about what's not working the way that I want it to, which is, you know, part of life, right? Isn't

Todd McLaughlin: 19:41

amazing. Do you think you could have come to this realization without having to have to go through all of this?

Hillary Kallenberger: 19:48

Um, I mean, I would like to think that eventually, maybe, you know, because these are things that I've been working towards, you know, it's like I I want to be more present. I want to live in gratitude. I want all these things, and I'm always I'm always aiming towards that, but I think this experience literally swept me off my feet, and was like You asked for it. Here you go. You you want. You want these things. Let me give you a direct path to gratitude, but a direct path to humility and a direct path to learning how to be graceful through your suffering and and have a mindset that is not that is not of a victim, or is not of a woe is me. Why did this happen to me? But really as a gift like this is giving me all of these tools, all of this insight that I would have never had otherwise, and one of the biggest gifts for from a yoga teacher perspective, is, you know, I mean, we know the things. We know how to teach modifications, and, you know, we learn all those things, but there's really something to be said about experiencing something firsthand in your own body. And you know, the first bit of time when I could not reach down to touch my toes. It was kind of like, oh, that's what it feels like to not be able to reach your toes. Like, it's not will, it's not that I'm not flexible. It's like my body is not moving that way today for whatever reason. And so because I had to get really creative in my practice, because I was like, Oh, well, I can't do that. What could I do that would kind of simulate that or get the same thing out of it, but create a different shape that's safe for my body. It really helped me as a yoga instructor. Think outside the box of, what could I offer my students who are struggling with limitations?

Todd McLaughlin: 21:36

Yes, isn't that amazing? Yeah.

Hillary Kallenberger: 21:40

I mean, so cool. I was like, I'm learning so much right now. Yeah,

Todd McLaughlin: 21:44

and now someone comes in, it's not just necessarily hip replacement, but somebody comes into your class and says, I have a have a really bad shoulder, I have a really bad neck, I have a really this thing going on. And I feel like you probably have more understanding of pain. You were in pain, but it sounds like the pain that you went through post surgery was a little more acute. Would you say, like the pain that you had in your hip kind of building up to the hip replacement? I mean, I would say

Hillary Kallenberger: 22:15

the pain I had in my hip building up, was definitely a chronic pain that was very uncomfortable. I would say that the pain post surgery was an entirely different kind of pain, and it was more like, you type a step, take a step, and you're like, oh my gosh, like, it was such a deep pain, versus kind of a wear and tear pain. And then what's fascinating is, as the healing process, you know, took place, I'm now at the point that I have less pain than I've had in probably two years, if I'm being honest, like and I forget, and that's the interesting part about how we wire ourselves. Because, you know, it used to be that I'd get up off the floor, or if I'd been down to pick something up, I'd lean to my left and bypass my hip. It just became a habit. And now I last night, I went down to unplug a light, and I leaned to my left. I'm like, wait a minute. I don't have to do that anymore. I can literally fold forward without having to compensate. And so, you know, even just like, wow, oh my gosh, I can't believe that that I did that for so long. And you know, so many people say their only regret about, you know, having a hip replacement is they wish they would have done it sooner, amen. I mean, if I would have really listened sooner and explored that before it became a dire need. You know, my recovery might have been a little easier too, because I went into it with a lot of damage. So, you know, it wasn't really elective in that sense, and that I had a lot of things that were flared up, well, you worked on me, flared up and tight and and constricted that had probably been that way for many years. So part of my recovery was actually getting muscles to come back online that weren't just dormant because they had been sliced from surgery, but they had been dormant for years. So it really took a lot to kind of, you know, get things moving again in the way I needed them to.

Todd McLaughlin: 24:01

What is the journey like in relation to building up to the either the distance or the amount of time spent walking? Where? Where are you at currently, with the ability to walk in terms of distance or the amount of time, and before you start to feel like, oh, I should probably sit down, because I feel like I'm exhausted or super achy,

Hillary Kallenberger: 24:22

um, I would say so the process of that was interesting. I every day I set a goal for myself. Um, day one was to take a shower. Day two was to go outside and get fresh air. I mean, very small goals that I knew I could do. Um, you know, I was on a walker for a bit, barely bearing weight, and then I started to get more comfortable with that. And then I moved to my cane. And then my my first, my first real steps without cane assistance. It was like, okay, my goal tomorrow is to take five steps, and then the next day it was 10 steps. And so I just baby stepped my way up. Up, and then it got to where, okay, I can walk around the block before things start to seize up a little bit, I would say, now, and that was just progressive. And there's some days that are better than others. Based on, you know, if I've been on my mat and everything's nice and loose, I would say I would probably easily be able to walk as far as I really wanted to, within reason, I've definitely been out on like I went on a walk the other day. It was probably an hour, 15, hour and a half, and I forgot I even had a new hit. I mean, I was just out walking to enjoy it. So there are days where I feel a little off, and I'm kind of like, okay, this feels a little cranky. And, you know, and so, but, but what I do different now, is I stop

Todd McLaughlin: 25:42

Nice? Yeah, you're, you're listening to your body. Yeah. Is that a huge shift from where you were before, back in your old days?

Hillary Kallenberger: 25:49

It's a huge shift. And, you know, and so through this process, I've electively given up running, which was, you know, part of what contributed to the damage in my hip, and also part of what, even though it's a healthy exercise, it became an unhealthy pattern for me because of the way I viewed it, because if I didn't run again, I would judge myself and my worth for the day, so I would get up in the mornings, and it's like I had to go get my run in, almost to be okay, and and I saw that as a pattern. It was one of those things, just like addiction, like, I know this isn't good, but I'm not sure how to stop. And getting a new hip gave me that gift as well. It's like, okay, we're just going to force you to stop. We're going to, you know. And so I remember sitting in bed one day going, Okay, what would be the reasons to go back to running? Like, what good reasons can I come up with? And I couldn't come up with anything that I couldn't do in a different way, you know, mental health benefits so I can still move my body. I'm not going to blow up and turn into an obese human because I'm not getting out and running every day. There's other ways to, you know, enjoy my body, be present, have a healthy mindset. I definitely don't want to put any more damage on my body. I don't want to end up doing another hip or my knee. So why would I like push myself into a space that would be potentially dangerous? And you know, if I look at my life, I mean, I spent over 20 years as a dancer, another 20 years as a runner, I feel like I've done those things, and maybe it's time to do some gentler things. And so now, like, my main source of movement has really become my yoga practice. Not that it wasn't always just as big in my life, but now it's kind of like the thing that I go to every day, and then I'll go for a walk, or, you know, I might get on my bike for a little bit. I just kind of started that, but, um, but I don't feel the need to get out there and prove anything to anyone, including myself, which is really big. Because, you know, it used to be like, Okay, I need to walk X amount of hours and this amount to feel like I've done, you know, I paid my dues for the day to my body, and now it's like, or I could just, you know, I mean, I'm very movement oriented, but I can also enjoy a day off and just sit in the sunshine or float in the water, or, you know, and those are just as healing and as healthy in different ways that aren't chronic abuse.

Todd McLaughlin: 28:15

Yeah, do you find you're laughing a little bit at yourself now, or are you giving space to understand you were or are the way you are because of certain situations. And therefore, like, sometimes I do that, I laugh at myself, like, Wow, look how much I've changed. That's kind of funny, that I had to be that way. But then I look at like, Well, why am I the way I'm well, oh, that was a little rough. Okay, it makes sense why I'm the way I am. And it's an interesting what a journey, what an amazing

Hillary Kallenberger: 28:43

definitely, yeah, I definitely honor that part of myself that was that was taking on whatever I was taking on to survive, because it's all I knew when I knew that right? I mean, I knew something didn't feel right, and this helped. So let's do that right, even if I look back is at my past addictions, right? I was just trying to soothe the pain and to make it through, you know, even though what I was doing was was self destructive, and it really, it really plays into, you know, the the abuse of my body as well, in that I was doing these things, thinking I was doing the right thing. We're in survival mode, right? And being able to lay all that down and having literally a forced time out of being able to really assess well, like, who am I? Am I less valuable because I didn't get in a run? Am I less valuable because, you know, my body doesn't look a certain way, or I'm not as fit as I possibly could be, or I'm not, you know, doing every advanced posture in yoga, versus like, who am I? Just for being here, for just showing up and sharing space with someone and and just existing in this body. And maybe that's just enough to just. Just to just be,

Todd McLaughlin: 30:01

yeah, great. Well said. Hillary, were there any acts of compassion from either students at the studio and or people around you that you have in your life that really touched you and or made you not that emotional, would be the only outcome. But did you have any like moments where you were just like, Wow, you are so kind. Thank you. It's

Hillary Kallenberger: 30:23

actually making me emotional, just thinking about it, coming back to the to the gratitude. And you know, this was a lesson that I knew one of my best friends going into surgery, she said to me, she was now Hillary, don't be all tough. And, you know, like letting people do things for me and help me, because I do live alone. I did have a lot of friends here that pitched in in all kinds of different ways to get me there, to get me home, to make sure I was safe and and I have so much gratitude for that, because I didn't have any family with me through this journey. My daughter was actually supposed to fly out the third day to stay with me a couple days, and she got really sick the night before her flight, and had to cancel. And I almost feel like that was kind of divinely orchestrated as well, to allow me to really receive help from people who were doing it, not out of obligation, but out of the goodness of their hearts, and it was like feeling like a little army just kind of showed up. I mean, I had, you know, a couple of friends that were like, okay, when is your When are your physical therapy appointments? This this one I can take you to this one I can't. And making sure I had everyone, I need people who are like, I want to help bring you food or whatever. I had one friend and client who just was like, one of the such a huge blessing. But he stopped by one day just to check on me, and I think, bring me some a smoothie or some food or something. And he went to put it in my fridge, and he said he looked in there, and he said, Oh, she needs food. Because it was just kind of empty, because I was just like, letting people bring things as I was hungry. And, you know, you're not that hungry the first few days after surgery, yeah, and, um, he literally had food delivered to me every single night for like, a week and a half or something. Wow, like every night, fresh, organic, clean food showed up at my house, catered to the things that I eat and don't eat. It was so thoughtful. It was so like, it just touched my heart so much, because it was, it was just one of those things that, like, you're seeing the value and, you know, and that's important to me. Putting good, clean food in my body to help heal is important, right? So you don't want to just like, grab what's what's on the shelf, or a bag of nuts, which I had backups and things like that. So, yeah, I had plenty of people delivering food, a couple people sending gift cards, bringing by flowers. You know, the best gift I got was just time spent. People willing to just come over, even if they had 15 minutes just to sit with me and just to spend time with me. Because, you know, when you're laid up in bed and you're really uncomfortable, and you've got like, you know, 20 staples down your hip, and you can't get into a comfortable position just having, like, a little bit of light, of being able to laugh with someone or distract you a little bit, you know, from from kind of what you're what you're sitting in, knowing that it's not ending anytime soon, was just, was just such a huge blessing. So I was, I was very made aware of just how loved I am.

Todd McLaughlin: 33:26

That's so cool. Would you had made mentioned when we recorded the first podcast? It was about two weeks or more that we recorded it prior to surgery, and then I think I released the podcast either the day of your surgery or day after before, something like that. And so, like, right before we started recording today, you had made mention that you were able to listen to the you prior to as the you after. What was that like? So

Hillary Kallenberger: 33:58

interesting? Yeah, I think it came out the day after surgery, or the day of, and I know that I was newly recovering in my bed listening to myself talk about what I thought was going to happen, which is always so funny, you know, to go back and listen to anything think we know, because we never know what we know until we know it right. But, and just kind of the expectations that I had going in, and, you know, I did really prepare for surgery. I my mindset was I'm training for surgery, so in the gym, in my diet, in my sleep, just getting my body like in the optimum position that I could, you know, and I felt very solid in my choice. I knew that I was doing what I needed to do. I kind of had a plan like, this is how it's going to happen, and this is how it's going to go down. And I've got everything in place, which is the old me definitely like, planning and controlling and and then you know what happens. And you're like, um, I can't get my leg onto the bed. Like, like, I can't, like, you know, took my friend 40 minutes to get me to the. Car and in the car, because there was just so much pain. I was like, Wow. I didn't really expect it to be like this. Yeah. So it was, it was interesting listening to kind of what I thought was going to happen, because I wanted it to be that way, and then accepting life as it is, right on life's terms, which is like, well, it's going to be like this instead, and and it's not going to be easy breezy, because there's all these factors that I wouldn't expect, that I would have, you know, to not have a nerve block and that normal quote experience that others have. And so it was all kind of like, okay, this is not, this is not how I planned it, and then having to adapt and all of that. So yeah, it was really kind of, it was interesting listening listening back to it again. In fact, I should listen to it again now, right now that I quote recovered, and see what I think about what I said. Now,

Todd McLaughlin: 35:51

I agree. I think, well, the one thing I'm picking up is just like, you sound so happy. So it's like, not that you weren't happy before, but I can, I can hear it. I'm curious. Um, sometimes in the process of getting ready for something like this, there potentially would be the thought like, Well, how am I gonna afford this? Like, how I'm a yoga teacher, I survive. I live off of the my work. And I don't know, you don't have to explain, like your financial situation, but I'm curious. I know for myself, if I knew I needed to take eight weeks off, my first thought is, I can't step away from work for eight weeks. There's no way. How would I do that? How would I so I'm just curious. Can you speak a little bit about what that was like for you and how it worked out or not, and how you're feeling about that currently?

Hillary Kallenberger: 37:25

Yeah, I mean, that's obviously in our industry, anytime we don't work, that becomes a financial challenge at times, right? And and, you know, most of us aren't in a situation where we get paid time off being a yoga instructor, anything else, and we work for money. So definitely, the time off was a challenge. I definitely had to ask for some support from some different places, not only to pay for the surgery, right? Because even though I have decent insurance, there's still you're putting money out of pocket to get these things done. You're buying things that you might not have thought of buying, like, you know, multiple ice packs and, like, you know, spending a lot of money on food because you can't cook it, so you're ordering it out, or, you know, different things like that, which was why so many blessings were from coming from people around me. I was basically fed the whole time, so I had no food expenses. And that was amazing. And then I was back to teaching on day 13, wow,

Todd McLaughlin: 38:24

you see, you went back and taught them 13 days so with

Hillary Kallenberger: 38:28

as soon as they let me drive, I was back to teaching. Now I was, I was in with a cane, and I sat in a chair. But, you know, and that's another thing that you know I have, you know, I love to cue and I love to verbally teach, to be able to really watch and witness my class and not be distracted by the own things that I want to demonstrate or whatever. So I was very blessed to not only be able to do that, like physically be able to drive and because that was kind of the thing, as soon as I feel safe driving, I'll come back to teaching and the studio owners where I teach. I mean, they were all like, well, it's up to you, but I'm also very blessed that they were open to that, you know, to have me come in and need some help and make some modifications. And, you know, there are some things that that I needed to ask for help with, like, I can't reach that. I can't do this, but I can do this. And so I was back to teaching, like I said, within two weeks. Obviously, Ty took a while to get back to, just because, obviously the mobility factor, being able to get up and down off the ground, and then it just was a slow process, because I took time off so my individual clients, you know, I think maybe I started seeing some of my regular clients around three weeks. By four weeks I was doing, I was doing pretty good, and I would say that by so I got discharged by my surgeon at two months, so a month early. And he basically, you know, after what I went through, which felt like a lot, but he basically said, he said, You're a poster child for a hip replacement. Good job on doing all the hard work. Call me if you need me. So I felt really good about the work that I put in, even though it felt grueling at times. Yeah, I kept showing up. I kept going to the gym. I kept getting on the stationary bike, you know, I did the PT exercises. I took the steps I made myself go take, even if it was 10 steps a day. I got on my yoga mat, even if it was modified. And I think there's something to be said about the balance between trusting our body's ability to heal and also putting in the work to make it happen.

Todd McLaughlin: 40:34

Great point. That's a huge one, right? How do you get somebody who doesn't want to do the work to do the work? I. Yeah. I mean, do you have an answer for that?

Hillary Kallenberger: 40:44

Well, I mean, I think that that's, that's another thing that we, that we face is, you know, we, we all want solutions. And, you know, kind of we talked about in the first episode, as far as, you know, traditional medicine. And sometimes we're seeking it, because really, that is the best solution for whatever we're facing or dealing with. But sometimes people look to medicine because they want a quick fix, and they don't want to do the work. They want to take a pill, or they just want somebody to fix their pain, or they just want it to stop. And so I think realizing that it's the work that you pin it put in, in combination with the choices you make that get you the results. And I don't know how you make somebody, how you bring that awareness to somebody? For me, I mean, like I said, I tried to lead by example, by by showing up for yoga and being in the gym and, you know, coming in on my cane, and people like, what are you doing here? I was like, I gotta move my legs. I want to heal. Like, I don't want to just be, you know, I want to be back to whatever 100% is. It might not be what I was before, but 100% of my capacity, which means I can only know that if I if I do the work, and I take ownership and responsibility, not only for how I got here, but what I can do, you know, to move the needle forward. And I'm very grateful that I have a lot of tools to do that, and a lot of knowledge where you know not everyone does

Todd McLaughlin: 42:04

very cool. Have you had any flashes of inspiration because of this, that of a new class you want to start a new direction, to take your therapeutic modalities? Has you? Have you had any grand insight of like, oh my gosh, now I know what I'm going to do again. I knew I know what I'm going to do.

Hillary Kallenberger: 42:26

Yeah, yes and no. I mean, I still feel really happy with all the things that I am doing. I definitely have more compassion and more appreciation for some of my students and clients who are struggling with chronic pain in their bodies, and so that has become kind of an empathetic focus. Like, Hey, I know what you're going through. Let's, let's get together. Like pushing that a little bit more. I think I can help you. I think I can give you some insight. But I do, I do have a little bit of an inspiration to create some you know, I guess we'll say sequences working around different body parts, different limitations. Like, okay, well, what, what kind of practice could we could we offer somebody who's limited from, you know, the waist down or one leg? What kind of practice could we offer someone who's limited in in their arms? And how can we make that just as yummy as what we're experiencing when we can do the full spectrum of movement? Yeah? So that's been, that's been kind of a, you know, just an inkling of an inspiration. Nothing that I've like jumped into and carried forward. But I do feel like because of my experiences and some limitations and working around it, I'm like, Okay, I think there's something. I think there's something here. And I will say this in teaching, I've become a little more aggressive, I guess we'll say in really making sure that my my students are dumping into their joints. And I've always kind of been a bit of a stickler when it comes to hyper mobile students, because I've experienced that, but now, especially when I see people in these really deep lunges, or, you know, things like that, it's like, almost like, I feel my hip crunching inside, you know, I'm like, I we need to create space. We need to strengthen and create the space around the joints. And so I am kind of, you know, jokingly, every once in a while, I'll, you know, ask someone to pull out of their lunge and and engage more, and I'll be like, you don't want to be like me. Like, you know what? I mean, you know, let's build the strength so you don't end up in a situation where you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't know. I don't want to be the reason leading that they didn't know.

Todd McLaughlin: 44:38

Great point, what forms of external inspiration. Did you draw from in relation to music, literature, art? Did you did you need to do some reading? Was there some YouTube videos? What was the kind of thing that you found yourself going TO to just keep that fire lit, to show up

Hillary Kallenberger: 45:04

like during recovery, yeah, yeah, I did a lot of journaling, which is something that I do, but I was really consistent about it.

Todd McLaughlin: 45:14

What did you notice? What did you notice with journaling? How has journaling changed your life?

Hillary Kallenberger: 45:21

To me. It just moves energy through me. It gets things that are kind of swirling up in my head, and allows me to kind of process it through. And a lot of times I don't even really it's not that I don't know what I'm writing, but it just kind of comes as a stream of consciousness. And then before that, I know what the page has ended and I just turn the page and wait for the next day and it. Kind of like just a way to move some energy through and sometimes different things come up with that. It was really interesting. The first week, maybe two weeks, I didn't want any stimulation at all. I didn't want to I never turned the television on. I didn't watch any videos. I didn't want to read a book. All I did was I had, like, my red light on. I laid in my bed, I turned on frequency Healing Music, and I really just focused on breathing. And I was just that was the most still and present I've probably ever been in my whole life. And there was just something that was like, No, I don't want a lot of stimulation. Probably my nervous system saying, like, we've got a lot going on, like, let's just be still.

Todd McLaughlin: 46:23

Did you feel like you needed to do that to cope with the pain? I

Hillary Kallenberger: 46:27

think it was a lot of it was coping with the pain. I think I just really couldn't handle anything beyond the sensations that I was experiencing. Because for me, it was a lot. And again, like I questioned my pain tolerance. I'm like, I don't know. Maybe I'm not that tough until I kind of got through it and I'm like, No, that was a lot. I was dealing with a lot of pain.

Todd McLaughlin: 46:49

Did the pain trigger any past traumatic event scenarios for you?

Hillary Kallenberger: 46:56

Not specifically, any scenarios, but I would say that it just kind of brought up my history as a whole, like I kind of mentioned before. It really made me so aware of just how unkind I've been to myself, how many situations I've put myself last in instead of first, how often I've sacrificed my needs for other people, achievements, whatever it kind of just was like, I mean, there was kind of a morning that happened, like, kind of a morning of of of of a girl who was really struggling, and it just brought all of that To my awareness. And you know, just being in that pain, and also how many times I had really felt alone in my life, to deal with things on my own, whether I was or not, just how I felt, that I had to do it all. I had to manage it all, carry it all, and sitting with all that pain that nobody can take away, definitely triggered that sense of like, okay, here I am. I'm on my own, but I can change that input and say, but I've got a million people who have offered to help, and so my job is to reach out, to connect with people, and to say, I need something. Can you help me and be willing to receive the help that's given, and also to say no, if it's like, I don't really need that today, but thank you anyway, and to really advocate for myself and my needs. And that kind of comes back to changing the relationship I had with myself, which is that I'm worthy of people chipping in and helping me along. You know, I don't have to do it all alone all the time. Wow.

Todd McLaughlin: 48:47

Amazing. Hillary. Amazing, yeah, yeah, that's so cool. Has there been anything that has happened recently that you are witnessing that you that because of that shift of always putting yourself last, which is a very humble thing, which we were all taught from children, we should put everyone else first. And you know, in that way, that's how we, you know, can take care of everybody and have everyone be in a happy, healthy place. But have you noticed any sort of decisions that you've made of late that has been affected by this realization, for example, I don't know, like any situation where you were overextending yourself and realize, you know No, I'm gonna say no tonight. Thank you very much. See you tomorrow. Has there been something recently that caught your attention?

Hillary Kallenberger: 49:37

Honestly, I would say, like everything, I would say that it is really and again, it was something I'd been working on, but this really like when I just started saying, I've got to take care of myself first, and then I will give whatever I can give from that place, it has enabled me to set better boundaries with with family, with friends, with situations like, No, I don't Think I really want to do that. And what I've really noticed, though, is when I've when I choose myself, and not even just choosing, like, putting myself before someone else, but value myself like, know my worth and know that I'm I'm worthy of just being here and just sitting here and without having to perform or do anything for anybody. It's like all of this stuff, all of this abundance, just kind of keeps rolling in, like it's from, from tiny, beautiful moments where someone says something just so beautiful and kind to me, where I feel so much love, maybe because I'm just open to hear it and receive it now, to literal shifts in people's. Behavior and the way that they've interacted with me, like they're respecting my boundaries, because they can just feel my energy has shifted. And so it's interesting. It's kind of like everything kind of has when I've chosen me, life is choosing me. You know, instead of me having to be out there trying to make things happen, I'm just like leaning into this space of of trust, and things are kind of just working themselves out. Wow. And it's a really lovely place to be. You

Todd McLaughlin: 51:09

know, when you said it's okay for me to just sit here and be and I don't have to come out and entertain, and then I had a flash of imagining you from your dance days and being in that higher performance competitive level of everything is about me performing for you, so that you hopefully will like me. And then that non stop performance aspect would just be so grueling, and I can see what you're saying. That makes really good sense, actually. I mean, I fall into that same belief trap that I have to constantly entertain, and so I'm appreciating hearing what you're saying to help me to feel the same way, like, just, just, it's okay just to be like, Yeah, I'm okay where I'm at, and I don't have to constantly it's fun to entertain. But do I have to do it for my sense of self worth, or can I do it simply because it's fun

Hillary Kallenberger: 52:13

and kind of shifting from that mindset of even as a yoga instructor, right? Like, will they like me? Will my class be good enough? Am I good enough? Which is the same old programming of, you know, you go out on stage, you work your tail off, you go out, you perform, you hope you don't screw anything up, and you wait for the applause. And that's your value, right? Like, did people like it? What did the critics think? What kind of write up did you get? Did they think your choreography was shit? Or, you know what I mean, and so you're you're relying on this external validation. So instead of showing up the message of, Am I going to be good enough? Is this good enough? Versus like, I already know it's good enough, and if someone doesn't like it, that's really more about them than it is me, and I'm still good enough. And having to shift that takes so much pressure off the plate of just being able to show up and be like, well, it's gonna be great if I'm following my passion and my heart, and it'll align with some people and it won't align with others. But that's okay.

Todd McLaughlin: 53:16

It's such an interesting trajectory, because do you remember times where you would be thinking in your mind? Everyone keeps telling me that you should just be and you don't have to try to, you know, entertain and be something, you know, to constantly keep somebody going. But it doesn't really quite stick. It's like you hear it, you intellectually know it's true, but then for it to be real is a whole nother process. So it sounds like that's shifting for you, which is really amazing. I mean, I've been also thinking too, that there seems to be something in the air where the world is just shifting like that right now. Do you sometimes think that? Do you ever have that question pop up in your head, like, Is this only happening to me, or is everybody right now on planet Earth having some type of Whoa, aha, kind of realization. I mean, I know it doesn't matter, because if you're feeling it, that's all that really matters right now. But have you been wondering that yourself? Yeah.

Hillary Kallenberger: 54:14

I mean, I think there's definitely a shift happening on lots of levels, and I think that there are certain people, individuals, who you know. I mean, when change happens, regardless of what you want to view change as people, either, you know, roll back or people jump into it. I mean, most people don't just kind of like, have an ambivalent, you know, feeling about it, you know, so, or an apathetic, I guess I should say, um, so. I think that you know, because there is this kind of energetic shift. Is what I feel like in the world. I think that there's a lot of this kind of accelerated change that's happening and deepened awareness, and people going, Oh, aha. And because I had those conversations with people, we're like, oh yeah, me too. And, you know, having these like, interesting topics where what I'm saying doesn't feel like, oh, what's in the world? Has she been going through? You know, like other people, like, I had a similar experience. And then there's another part of people, you know, that are still, you know, kind of rinse and repeating, and that's okay, too.

Todd McLaughlin: 55:18

Great. Point. No judgment. Just Just observe. Just observing.

Hillary Kallenberger: 55:24

Yeah, it's like, you can grab the kite tails and, like, fly with it, or you can just watch it fly away, like, whatever you want to do.

Todd McLaughlin: 55:34

Wow. Hillary, I'm really grateful that we've had this interaction. It was, it's a cool little, uh. Timeline of events. And you know, I feel like, you've, you've been able, you're, you're getting to that point where you're like, like, in relation to what you said. I said this on the podcast, and then here I am listening, going, Wow. I thought I had everything organized, and I was going to do everything this way, and look how different it is. So I don't want to set you up for another similar situation, but I'm always curious to hear the mind scape of moving forward, just be, just be present. Or is there another direction, new direction? Are you? Are you pretty content? Or do you have some sort of like, I'm moving here, or I'm going there, where? Where do you want to go now?

Hillary Kallenberger: 56:32

Um, I feel like I'm really, at least right now, really embracing letting life carry me, instead of trying to drive life, which I've been doing for so long, and making okay. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that, and like trying all these new things, and instead just really trying to sink into and embrace my ability to receive whatever is presented to me, whether that be in the relationships I have with others, or what I'm doing with my work or clients, or, you know, where I might be led next. And I'm really trying to just kind of like, follow the little trail, you know, the yellow brick road, so to speak, like just kind of like, oh, well, this is going and really melting into this place of, like, letting go of things that aren't meant to be and embracing stuff that's coming to me at the same time. So when something falls apart, not having an emotional reaction to it or a judgment, and just being like, well, then that wasn't supposed to work out that way. Hmm, how interesting. I wonder what will follow, and I wonder where I'll be led. And I'm really just trying to be in this place of receiving and moving out of this space of, you know, doing and making happen, because that's just, I've lived so much of my life that way, that I'm ready for something different and ready just to try to be present with the moments and enjoy, you know, and just and just feel joy for just existing, and let that be enough for a While.

Todd McLaughlin: 58:00

Yes, oh my gosh, thank you so much. Hillary, yeah, thank you. I really appreciate everything that you bring in, and it's been a it is a true pleasure to watch. And thank you for sharing all that. I really appreciate all your honesty and openness. I don't feel like this is difficult for you, but I do remember on a conversation we had a while back ago, of just that sometimes these conversations were avoided or, you know, by putting up a facade of being the perfect teacher, the perfect you know, I can overcome any I can. I don't need to take care of myself and all that sort of stuff, I think. But it doesn't even feel like it's a big deal now, like, that's just what we're doing naturally. But a little while ago, it felt like a big deal to talk honestly that, hey, I'm in pain. I have pain. I'm a yoga teacher. I have pain. You have pain. We all have pain. Like, I don't know, I think it's, it's been incredible. I'm just so thank you so much for kind of opening this door and your honesty is felt and appreciated.

Hillary Kallenberger: 59:08

Thank you. I appreciate you too. I appreciate the conversation and just the connection that we made and definitely meant to be

Todd McLaughlin: 59:15

Thank you. Hilary, yeah. Native, yoga Todd cast is produced by myself. The theme music is dreamed up by Bryce Allen. If you like this show, let me know if there's room for improvement. I want to hear that too. We are curious to know what you think and what you want more of what I can improve. And if you have ideas for future guests or topics, please send us your thoughts to info at Native yoga center. You can find us at Native yoga center.com, and hey, if you did like this episode, share it with your friends. Rate it and review and join us next time

Unknown: 1:00:15

you.